[ He has to face facts: leaving town had been bit of an abandonment. Delusionally, he thinks that's one of the reasons why he tries to avoid friendships, because skipping town now means abandoning a friend instead of simply skipping town cos that's what you'd like to do. But that isn't true, because he's never wanted to skip town a day in his life, even when things got really bad. It hadn't been Jac's fault. Of course if someone was ever going to get a case of cold feet over something as simple as caring about another person and having a relatively safe and stable place to stay, it'd be him. He'd never wanted to be one of the normals, and suddenly he'd been rapidly becoming one. He went to work -- courtesy of Jac -- and he came home -- courtesy of Jac -- like a normal person. He'd even started flirting with the idea of college.
So, like a bastard, he'd ran. He hadn't exactly come crawling back. He'd missed the town, maybe missed Jac more, but he'd missed the town, that much was honest. So he'd come back and he'd run into Jac again and he had a lot of explaining to do, and he supposes he just didn't bother explaining. How do you explain something like that? Hi, sorry, Jac, I'm a pussy so I bounced out.
I just made myself forget that it'd happened to you before, just talked myself into believing you'd be right as rain, no problems, no big deal.
The thing about Jac, though, is that her maternal instinct is ridiculous, he'd never been able to escape it since the day he met her, so he knew how bad it hurt her when that part of her just didn't shine as bright anymore when he was around. And so he realized he'd missed Jac more than the town and he'd missed out on something pretty great. That friendship stuff. Yeah, it'd been pretty great. He'd been scared of it, but he could get over that, he knew he could, which made him feel more like an idiot. He should've just told her what really terrified the piss out of him: fucking doing something with his life. He couldn't imagine. It wasn't a fear of failure, it was a fear of success: what if he got all those little ducks in a row and ended up with a nice, normal life? He didn't know how to operate in those waters. Didn't even know how to doggy paddle.
Not that it matters. That's all just scared boy talk, in the end. It's been a handful of weeks since he got back, with him tip-toeing around Jac like she was a coiled snake instead of a friend he'd hurt, and fuck, he doesn't know what to do, does he? To make things up to her.
A friend of his -- well, more of an acquaintance, he supposes the only thing he's ever had close to a friend is Jac -- had asked after her, and he'd thought about setting her up on a date, maybe, after that last one had went so wrong, cos he at least knew enough about this guy to know he was a good one, if a bit dull. But as soon as he thought about it he realized he just didn't like that idea at all. It'd suck, to be trying to make things up, try to get that friendship back, then set her up on a date with someone she might get on real well with and then he'd never see her again, when seeing her more and getting on with her better had been the whole point.
And now, leaning back against the door of Jac's apartment, where he's been standing there for... maybe twenty minutes... thinking about all these things, losing himself to his thoughts and forgetting to knock, he realizes he's got to be one of the most selfish bastards in the whole universe. ]
Fuck's sake...
[ Finally, he turns and knocks on the girl's door. Might as well at least offer her the date. Maybe make it a double date, not that he's into dating, just to make sure it all went alright. Basically, just in case he needs to knock the guy one. ]
